Some people are really good at giving compliments. They notice our new clothes or new hairstyle, and they always approve. They take interest in our family and our hobbies. They’re always in our corner, telling us we deserve the promotion that the other guy got. Telling us how smart and skilled we are, and how cute our kids are. They might even be sincere about it.

But that’s as deep as it gets.

Sometimes that kind of attention can be distracting, making us believe that a someone who loads on compliments really believes in us and cares about us. But sometimes those surface-level compliments are an indication that the other person can’t really see anything more in us that what’s obvious from a first impression.

In the film, “Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa”, the hapless talking-animal heroes from the first film escape the island of Madagascar, where they were stranded. They plan to return home to New York’s Central Park Zoo, by flying in a barely-salvaged plane, which they launch into the air with a gigantic slingshot.

It doesn’t quite work.

But it gives them enough altitude to help them fly to the coast of Africa, where they discover an entire range of animals like themselves. Alex, the Lion (Ben Stiller), discovers his long-lost lion parents. Marty, the Zebra (Chris Rock), discovers an entire herd of zebras just like himself. Melman, the Giraffe (David Schwimmer), gains respect from fellow giraffes who ask him to be their local witch doctor (though he actually functions more like a physician). And Gloria, the Hippo (Jada Pinkett Smith), seeks the affections of a handsome male hippo named Moto-Moto (will.i.am). The once-isolated, individual creatures have found whole communities to join.

But they each encounter problems, as others expect them to behave like the rest of their animal kind. Alex completely disappoints his father, Zuba (Bernie Mac), when he attempts to impress the lion tribe with his dance moves, unaware that “real” lions are supposed to fight, not dance. Marty discovers that no one can distinguish him from any of the other zebras, who look, talk, and act exactly like he does, making him wonder if there’s anything unique about him at all.

Meanwhile, Gloria receives plenty of attention from Moto-Moto, who takes an instant liking to her when he spots her relaxing at the hippo pool.

“Goodness, girl,” Moto-Moto greets her. “You huge!” (Among hippos, this is apparently a great compliment.)

“Who’s your friend?” Gloria responds casually. “Or is that your butt?”

Moto-Moto is impressed, and continues flirting. “Girl, you as quick as you are hefty.”

“So,” Gloria says, reclining. “You’re Moto-Moto.”

“The name’s so nice, you say it twice.”

“I kinda like it, Fatso.”

“I’ll see you around, girl. Won’t be hard, because you so … plumpin’.”

It seems like a match made in heaven. Or in a hippo-pool where fatter is better. But when she tries to get serious, Gloria realizes that Moto-Moto’s is only attracted to her for her size.

“Okay, so … what is it about me that you find so interesting?” she asks him.

“Well, you are the most plumpin’est girl I ever met.”

“Okay,” she acknowledges happily. “Other than that.”

“Let’s see. Yeah, well … well, you know, you chunky!”

“… Right.”

Seeing that she’s disappointed, Moto-Moto tries to think fast. “Uh … My gosh. Girl, you huge.”

“You said that.”

“Oh. Yeah, that’s right. We don’t have to talk no more.”

Moto-Moto puckers up for a kiss, only to be interrupted by Melman, who also has strong feelings for Gloria.

“Listen, Mo-to-to,” Melman warns. “You’d better treat this lady like a queen. Because you, my friend, you found yourself the perfect woman. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect woman, I would give her flowers every day. And not just any flowers, okay? Her favorites are orchids. White. And breakfast in bed. Six loaves of wheat toast with butter on both sides, no crust, the way she likes it. I’d be her shoulder to cry on, and her best friend. And I’d spend every day trying to think of how to make her laugh. She has the most amazing laugh.”

Having said his piece, Melman walks off, leaving Gloria stunned, and Moto-Moto confused. Melman knew Gloria inside and out, and appreciated her for more than just her size. Something that Moto-Moto never even considered.

“Anyways,” Moto-Moto says, dismissing Melman. “Where were we?”

“‘I’m huge’?” Gloria suggests dryly.

Gloria quickly drops Moto-Moto and his fixation on her hugeness, and pursues Melman. Meanwhile, Marty learns that friends like Alex still can identify him for their shared experiences (and wounds), and Zuba learns that Alex’s dancing skills can sometimes come in handy.

We can’t expect everyone to look beneath the surface and appreciate who we really are inside. But we can expect that kind of attention from our closest family and friends.

Don’t settle for surface-level compliments, and don’t be schmoozed by a smooth-talker. Not everyone who shows you support is interested in who you really are inside.

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President Truman first saw the love of his life in Sunday school when he was six and she was five. He described her as having “golden curls and beautiful blue eyes.”  Even though they graduated from high school together in 1901, they didn’t become an item until nine years later.Well, that’s not true.  Actually, it was nine years later that Truman started to try and win Bess’ affection. Becoming an item would take several more years.

I am pretty sure that to the end of his life Truman was prouder of being married to Bess than he was by being elected to the Senate or by becoming President of the United States. Some people would say he did a better job of being Bess’ husband than he did as President!

At this point in life, I am more impressed by couples like the Trumans who persist and maintain their love for each other than I am with the crush of young love.  Scripture says, “Be happy with the wife you married when you were young.” (Prov. 5:18) The idea is we should continue to be happy with her even when neither of us are as young as we once were.

Henry Ward Beecher wrote, “Young love is a flame; very pretty, often very hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. The love of the older and disciplined heart is as coals, deep-burning, unquenchable.”

It is late and I still need to get something for Su. I have been looking around for some hot coals, but they seem to be in short supply in this tropical country.  I may have to dazzle her with my research on the holiday… wish me luck.

Words can cut. Words can heal. People don’t usually think about the power of their words. Words can make others feel small and useless, or they can inspire them to believe in themselves, and to hope for a better tomorrow.

In the film, “You’ve Got Mail”, Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) struggles desperately to save her small neighborhood bookstore, The Shop Around the Corner, from being put out of business by the new megastore, Fox Books, which has set up shop right across the street. She meets Joe Fox (Tom Hanks), who has the despicable job of establishing the new megastore and thus closing the doors on Kathleen’s independent bookstore.

What neither of them realizes is that, while they despise one another in the natural world, they remain secret confidantes online. Emailing one another to discuss life, love and the problems of the day, they have no idea of their true identities.

It’s a strange predicament. Finding a person hateful when speaking face-to-face, but leaning on that same person for comfort, support and advice when communicating online. How can the same person be viewed as if they were someone completely different?

The difference lies in our perception of that other person, and the words we use to speak to them. In truth, it’s exactly the same person, whether online or offline. It’s how we view them that makes them seem different.

When meeting one another at a party, Joe humiliates Kathleen, to the point that she has nothing to say. Only later does she think of “what she should have said”. How often have we all wished we could rewind our day and return to that confrontation, so that we could deliver that brilliant zinger that we thought of later that evening.

When Kathleen confesses her longing to deliver a crushing comeback to Joe – or rather, to “NY152”, his email moniker – he wisely advises “Shopgirl” to take caution. As a master of verbal abuse, he knows that once the cruel words are out, they can never be taken back.

But Kathleen doesn’t take his advice to heart. When Joe asks to meet his online love interest in a restaurant, he discovers – to his dismay – that “Shopgirl” is really Kathleen. He decides to confront her as Joe, the man she hates, while hiding his email identity. Having expected her dream date to walk through the door, Kathleen is enraged at Joe’s arrival. Equally frustrated at finding his email love interest is really Kathleen, Joe deliberately aggravates her further, sitting at her table and asking her whom she’s planning to meet.

“Will you be mean to him, too?” Joe asks, digging at her for her past insults to him.

“No, I will not,” Kathleen insists. “Because the man who is coming here tonight is completely unlike you. The man who is coming here tonight is kind and funny, he has the most wonderful sense of humor…”

“But… hes not here,” Joe reminds her.

“Well… if hes not here, he has a reason,” Kathleen insists, defending her unseen boyfriend. “Because there is not a cruel or careless bone in his body. But I wouldn’t expect you to understand anybody like that. You with your theme park, multi-level, homogenize-the-world Mochaccino land. You’ve deluded yourself into thinking that you’re some sort of benefactor, bringing books to the masses. But no one will ever remember you, Joe Fox. And maybe no one will remember me, either, but plenty of people remember my mother, and they think she was fine, and they think her store was something special.” She narrows her eyes at him to deliver the crushing blow. “You are nothing but a suit.”

Kathleen has finally done it. She’s delivered a crushing insult that cut Joe to the quick.

In fact, it’s so effective and demoralizing that she can see the hurt all over his face. And she wishes – in vain – that she could take her nasty words back. But as NY152 had warned her, it was too late.

“Well,” Joe says, swallowing hard. “… that’s my cue.”

He leaves the restaurant, leaving Kathleen some privacy, while leaving his dreams for a romantic relationship in the dust.

Years ago, I read an article by a woman who saw that her marriage of over twenty years was suffering. She found her husband annoying, rather than endearing, most of the time. While on vacation, she criticized the way he was dressed as they prepared to go for a walk. Her husband said nothing, but just went out the door with her in silence. She could see that he felt equally annoyed by her. Somehow the life – and love – had evaporated from their marriage.

But as they walked along the beach, side by side, saying nothing at all, she had an epiphany. She realized that it was all about words.

When she expressed irritation at his habits, his speech, or his appearance, she was tearing him down. What was more, she was tearing apart her own marriage.

She broke the silence, and began telling him the things she liked about him. The way he held her. The way he laughed. How hard he worked for them, so they could take a vacation away.

Then, strangely, her husband smiled. A smile that had been long absent from their married life. He began telling her the things he most appreciated about her. Her hair. Her sense of humor. Her attention to details. The way she cared for their children.

Soon, they were acting like newlyweds, laughing and holding hands and enjoying one another’s company. Just ten minutes earlier, their attitudes were leading them toward divorce. Now they were ready to grow old together once more.

That’s the power of words.

When you’re tempted to unload some nasty hurtful insults on someone, consider the damage you are likely to cause … and hold your tongue. It’s all too easy to tear someone down with cruel or thoughtless words. It takes love and wisdom to find words that will build someone up instead.

Choose words that heal.

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When I was a kid in the 1970’s, Cheap Trick’s “I Want You to Want Me” was one of the coolest songs on the radio. Contrary to popular beliefs today, the vast majority of ‘70’s rock music was not mellow or disco. For most of the decade, we listened to Eric Clapton, Heart, Fleetwood Mac, Foreigner, Jefferson Starship, and similar bands that make up most of today’s classic rock repertoire. Today, “I Want You to Want Me” remains incredibly cool, especially for being thirty-three years old.

Of course, its message isn’t too deep …

I want you to want me.

I need you to need me.

I’d love you to love me.

I’m beggin’ you to beg me.

Still, when I thankfully caught this rocking song on the radio last month, I couldn’t help considering the lead singer’s heart cry for someone to simply return his affection.

There are many different types of love, among friends, family and community members. And they occur in varying degrees. We love a friend with far greater commitment than we could ever love an acquaintance, let alone a stranger. As a Christian, I strive to love all people, regardless of how they act toward me. Sometimes I even succeed.

But when it comes to romantic love between a man and a woman, love must be reciprocal. If you love someone, you should expect that person to love you back. Not someday, but today. If that person doesn’t return your affection, then you’re not in a real love-relationship.

Let me clarify.

I’m not suggesting that your significant other should do things your way, or cater to your every whim. Don’t assume that someone doesn’t care about you just because they’re uncomfortable, or incapable, of doing certain things that you think demonstrate real love.

I’m also not suggesting that romantic love involves a bargaining process, in which you agree to demonstrate certain affections for someone if they’ll agree to show certain affections toward you. That’s a business relationship, not a love-relationship.

I’m not imagining that you won’t have fights – maybe several of them – in a genuine love-relationship. Nor am I presuming that, in a true love-relationship, you will always feel loved.

But you – and others – should be able to tell if someone sincerely loves you. It’s obvious in the way they act toward you. They treat you with affection and respect, even if they also tease you sometimes. They think of ways to make you happy, even if their efforts sometimes fail. They’re hurt by the things that hurt you, and they’re thrilled over the things that thrill you. Not because your boyfriend actually cares about your recent shopping excursion to the mall, or that your girlfriend actually knows what football teams are playing today. But whether or not they participate in the details, they’re happy because you’re happy.

Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you cryin’?

Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you cryin’?

Feelin’ all alone without a friend, you know, you feel like dyin’!

Oh, didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you cryin’?

Before meeting Nicki (my one true love!), I dated a few other women. At the time, those ladies didn’t really want to be in a relationship. Not just with me, but with anyone. (At least, that’s what they claimed!) They had yet to decide that a new relationship was worth investing in. Worth committing their time and energy to make another person become the new focus of their lives.

And it showed in their actions. Small displays of affection – holding hands, receiving flowers, celebrating each other’s birthdays – became chores for them. I had invested myself in those relationships in those ways, but I didn’t feel my affection was being returned. Still, I keep hoping the other person would respond in kind.

I’ll shine up the old brown shoes.

I’ll put on a brand new shirt.

I’ll get home early from work

If you’ll say

That you love me.

Love is a commitment, to seek what’s best for another person. In a romantic relationship, both people must share that desire, to do what’s best for their partner. They may not always – or often – agree on what’s best for each other, but that must always be each person’s heart-desire. And a person’s words and actions reveal their heart.

If you’re in a relationship in which you actually are unloved, your outpouring of affection can leave you frustrated and emotionally drained. It’s not good for one person to give out all of the love in a relationship, while their partner soaks in all of that affection and does little in return. You can end up deluding yourself into thinking someone loves you, while you wait for any sign of proof.

Ultimately, all of those relationships ended. While I was dating those women, I had a vague idea, somewhere deep inside, that my love was not being returned. But I kept hoping the other person would change. Which wasn’t fair to them, or to myself.

We can’t make people change their attitude toward us. We can love them, listen to them, and meet their needs as best we can. But ultimately, the decision to love us back is theirs. If we made that decision for them, it wouldn’t be love.

If you’re in a relationship without mutual affection – if your happiness doesn’t make the other person happy, or your concerns mean very little to that person – maybe it’s time to re-think the kind of relationship you’re committing yourself to. It’s one thing for a lover not to care about something you care about; it’s another when their apathy demonstrates that they don’t care much about you.

I’m not suggesting that you should re-think a marriage relationship, which you’ve already committed to. Marriage should be honored, not treated as a trial experiment to see if it “works out”. Unless there is genuine abuse that poses a danger to you or others in your home, I don’t advocate leaving your spouse. I recommend that you find new ways to show affection yourself, and work out your differences together.

If you haven’t yet made that commitment, think carefully about the kind of person you plan to marry someday, and the kind of relationship you’ll have with them. Marry someone who will want to marry you, not someone who might grow to love you over time … though they obviously don’t love you now. If I had continued in an unloving relationship, I would have set myself for a marriage with major conflicts to work through.

I didn’t. I found someone who loves me for who I am, trusts God the way I do, and genuinely wants to share her life with me. Her hopes, her dreams, and her fears. Just as important, she wants to share mine, too.

I don’t have to want Nicki to want to be with me, or hope she’ll love me like I love her.

I know she does.

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