Time does not heal all wounds. In fact, I suspect that time does not heal wounds at all. What time gives, however, is an opportunity for a broader perspective. To take in the joys and pleasures of life, rather than leaving us to focus solely on the sadness of our losses.

A while back, a friend of mine had to attend several funerals, within a few months of losing a close family member herself. All that grieving in just a few months is pretty rough on anyone.

I saw she was down and I emailed her to ask how she was holding up. She mentioned that most days were fine, but that particular day had been hard to handle, and she just had to struggle to get through the day.

She knew that I could relate, after losing my father the previous year. I emailed her back: “I had those days often last year, and sometimes since then. You get to a place where all the sad feelings become happy memories, for the most part, and you can be grateful for what you’ve had with people, even though you still miss being with them.”

The movie, “Shadowlands”, highlights the love and loss of C.S. Lewis, author of “The Chronicles of Narnia”. In the film, Lewis (Anthony Hopkins) gradually falls in love with an American woman named Joy Gresham (Debra Winger), whom he later marries. Sadly, Joy doesn’t have many years to live, due to cancer, but they determine to make the most of the time they have together.

At one point, Joy tries to speak with him about her eventual death. Lewis doesn’t want to discuss the painful subject, but she tells him that they must. “The pain then is part of the joy now,” she insists.

Later, at her graveside, Lewis reflects on her words to him. Though he misses Joy badly, he can look back on their life together with appreciation and peace. “The pain now is part of the joy then,” he observes. He doesn’t deny or belittle his own pain, but he remembers the pleasure of having experienced a wonderful relationship with someone. And though that person is gone, what he and Joy shared will remai n with him forever.

When we lose someone, it hurts to know all the things that we’ll never be able to do with them again, or for the first time. It hurts that we’ll never see their face or hear their unique laugh again. But we can be grateful for the time we shared with them, and make the most of our time with other family and friends. And although the sadness will never truly leave us, we can look forward to new days of peace and happiness.

Time does not heal all wounds. But life – with all its joys, sorrows and surprise – does go on.

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by Randall Allen Dunn

Sometimes it’s easy to confuse our own interests with a pursuit of the greater good. We think that something is right because, in truth, it’s what we personally desire, whether it’s right or not. Especially when we have been hurt.

In the television series, “The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency”, Mma Precious Romatswe (Jill Scott) heads up the first private investigation office in Botswana, Africa. In one episode, “The Boy with the African Heart”, a middle-aged woman from the United States, Andrea Curtin (CCH Pounder), asks Mma Romatswe to determine what happened to her son, Michael, who disappeared in Botswana ten years earlier. After graduating from Stanford University, Michael joined a farming effort to grow plants and vegetables in a dry desert area. He wrote letters to his parents about his decision to remain in Botswana, saying that he had found “his African heart”.

But one night, Michael disappeared. None of the farm laborers could find him the next day, and none of them knew what had happened.

When Mma Romatswe starts to uncover secrets of Michael’s love affair with a woman named Clara (Ann Ogbomo), she starts to doubt that any foul play was involved. She approaches Andrea privately and asks, “If I discovered someone did something wrong, whoever it is, could you – Could you find it in your heart to forgive that person?”

Andrea is angered by the suggestion. “No. I would want them brought to justice. I’m an American and that’s what we believe in, Mrs. Ramotswe.”

“Most people in this country would agree with you,” Mma Romatswe assures her. “But we have an older tradition: if a wrongdoer is truly sorry for what he has done, the person he has harmed will try to forgive him. I think that’s what your son would want.”

“The African heart,” Andrea says with a sigh. “Well … I may just be beginning to understand what Michael meant by that.”

Mma Romatswe confirms that Michael had become embroiled in a love triangle between Clara and another farm worker, Oswald Ranta (Jude Akuwidike), who had presumed that Clara loved him instead. Oswald confronted Michael and Clara one night, unleashing his rage and then storming off. Immediately afterward, Michael stumbled in the pitch blackness and ran directly into a tree root, dying on the spot.

Oswald knew that no one would believe Michael’s death was an accident. So he insisted on burying the body and threatened to send Clara to prison if she reported the incident.

Clara was carrying Michael’s child, and feared for the baby as well as for herself. So she kept quiet, and went into hiding. When her baby son was born, she named him after Michael and raised him as her own.

“I’m proud that I have been a good mother,” Clara tells Mma Romatswe. “But what I did on that farm has haunted me ever since. I don’t know if I can ever make up for it.”

Mma Ramotswe urges Clara to tell Andrea the truth of what happened. “She cannot stop grieving until you do.”

When someone causes us to suffer hurt or loss, we naturally want that person to suffer, too. But this is a personal desire, not a patriotic one. Many Americans confuse the two. We say that we seek justice for a crime, but so often what we really want is payback. We want the criminal to suffer at least as much as we have suffered, and use whatever legal, social, and psychological weapons we can to make them pay.

But this doesn’t bring us any healing. Especially if the one who caused the offense is no longer a danger to anyone.

If someone has hurt you, but has since changed their ways, forgive them. Allowing hatred in your heart will hurt you far more than it could ever hurt them. People who hold long grudges often find themselves to be the victims of ulcers, irrational anger, and suspicion of others, even close friends. Unforgiveness will harden your heart, and prevent you from letting others in.

When Andrea agrees to meet with Clara and learns about Clara’s part in the tragedy that befell her son, she finds a new heart to forgive. Moments later, she is introduced to her grandson, Michael Curtin, Jr., who presents her with a small basket as a gift.

“This is for you, Grandmother,” Michael says, pointing to the basket’s design. “There’s a meaning in it. These little marks are tears.”

“Tears?” Andrea asks.

Michael explains, “The giraffe gives its tears to the ladies to weave into the basket. It means that everyone in the world has something to give. But the giraffe only has his tears. They’re all he’s got.”

Andrea hugs him, holding him close. “Thank you, Michael,” she says. Then she mouths a silent “thank you” to Mma Ramotswe, for restoring her to her family, and restoring her heart.

If you find your heart growing hard toward someone who has wronged you, choose to have a different heart. You’ll be freeing yourself.

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by Randall Allen Dunn

I will do the laundry if you pay all the bills.

Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?

My father grew up on John Wayne movies. Before James Bond demonstrated his license to kill, and transformed spies into swashbuckling action heroes, the greatest adventures were lived out by cowboys. The western frontier was open and wild and dangerous, and everyday life was hard. People focused on survival, and building a home for their families. Women raised children and maintained the home, while men worked the land and defended their borders. And it all worked just fine.

These days, we don’t live in a wild west. We live in a world of modern conveniences. The average man is no longer called on to protect his home from constant invaders. With no clear foe to fight, and no clear trail to blaze, many men today are confused as to their purpose in life.

And women are even more confused about it. They want men to be sensitive to their needs and feelings, like another woman would be, but they still want men to serve as strong protectors of the home. So they seek out strong men, whom they can trust to protect them. But they sometimes discover that their chosen protector doesn’t really know how to rescue her at all. Not even from the drudgery of everyday chores.

In Paula Cole’s song, “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?”, she bemoans the sad fact that few men are willing to stand up for their wives. Not by saving them from outside invaders, but from the things that eat away at women daily, like the endless piles of dishes and laundry. Some men feel they are “at the ready” to protect their homes from trouble without, but they don’t lift a finger to vanquish the trouble within.

Where is my John Wayne?
Where is my prairie son?
Where is my happy ending?
Where have all the Cowboys gone?
Where is my Marlboro Man?
Where is his shiny gun?
Where is my lonely ranger?
Where have all the cowboys gone?

Men, by nature, are very ambitious. They need a foe to fight. A hill to climb. A goal to reach. They want to achieve something, and achieve it big. So it’s natural for men to thrust themselves into their careers, focusing more on their day jobs than on their home. Men focus on physical things in life: calling more clients; lifting heavier weights; and scoring more touchdowns.

Women, on the other hand, focus on emotions and emotional needs. They are natural nurturers, with an instinctive awareness of the needs of children, and the ways to maintain a home.

So men often figure that it’s simply “not their job” to do housework.

Why don’t you stay the evening
Kick back and watch the TV
And I’ll fix a little somethin’ to eat?
Oh I know your back hurts from working on the tractor
How do you take your coffee my sweet?

I will raise the children if you pay all the bills

But while men and women have different strengths, they still share the same house at night.

It’s easy to assume that a stay-at-home mom should have plenty of time to finish all her household tasks every day, with plenty of time to spare for watching TV talk shows, while her husband slaves away at work. After spending a full day watching our four-year old daughter, Abby, I would never assume such a thing. Being a mom is, at the very least, a full-time job. The hours fly by quickly when you’re constantly attending to questions from a toddler who needs meals, playtime, activities and hugs from you. I watched Abby for two days straight this past summer, while my wife attended a conference. After I put Abby down for her midday nap, I was so exhausted that I took one myself. Taking care of children all day long is not easy.

Our former pastor, Tom Kyle, preached once about the need for men to help their wives at home with chores. He explained why he helped with household chores himself: “because my wife doesn’t get a break.”

This made things much clearer for me. It’s understandable to want to take a break after a long day at work. But stay-at-home moms don’t get any down time until the work is finished. Apart from that midday nap – when Abby actually takes her nap – the only real “break” my wife gets is the one that I give her, when I come home. Of course I’m tired some evenings, just like she is. But the chores are much easier to manage when we do some of them together. The other night, we folded several baskets of laundry together in under twenty minutes.

Some men feel it’s “not manly” to do household chores for your wife. That it’s somehow beneath them. But how manly is it to sit on the couch while our wives do all the housework, late into the evening?

We finally sold the Chevy
When we had another baby
And you took that job in Tennessee
You made friends at the farm
And you joined them at the bar
Almost every single day of the week

I will wash the dishes while you go have a beer.

We may not have bandits to fight off these days, but we still have the same goal to protect our wives and children from any threats. Even if that threat is the simple drudgery of too much housework.

My dad’s generation just didn’t think that way. Men and women had clearly defined roles and chores to perform. And that worked just fine.

That’s why I was surprised several years ago, while I was home from college having dinner with my parents. And I saw my dad, who grew up on John Wayne movies, get up from the table, help my mom clear plates, and take them to the sink, where he started washing them by himself. I saw him continue to wash dishes the rest of the days I was home, giving my mom a much-needed break from one of those daily household chores.

Real men wash dishes. Be John Wayne at home.

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by Randall Allen Dunn

Have you ever wanted something so badly you could think of nothing else? That you refused to let anything distract you from accomplishing your dream?

In the western, “Red River”, Tom Dunson (John Wayne) has a dream of making his fortune through a huge cattle drive to Missouri. After staking a claim on fresh land, he builds up an incredible herd, consisting of thousands of cattle, ready to sell. To get to this point, he had to leave behind the woman he loved, and later discovered that she and the rest of her wagon train were killed by Indians. He’s had to ward off challengers who tried to keep him from building up his new empire. Now all he has to do is move his herds to Missouri and collect money on them.

He’s aided by Matt (Montgomery Clift), an orphaned teen whom he adopted as his right hand man, teaching him all he knows like a father with a son. Matt relays Tom’s orders to the rest of the men and sees that they are carried out.

The trouble is that, despite Tom’s warnings of the hardship of the trip and his insistence that each participant must finish the drive, the men start to lose heart under Tom’s dictatorial leadership. After hearing rumors of an easier trail that leads to Abilene, Kansas, where they’ll find a railroad to haul their cattle, the men suggest taking the alternate route.

But Tom has never been to Abilene, and no one telling the stories of the railroad has actually seen it firsthand. So Tom insists on continuing to Missouri, as planned, a place he’s already visited himself.

Matt is okay with all this, though he recognizes that Tom is being a little pigheaded. What Matt can’t abide is Tom’s brutal treatment of the dissenters and troublemakers. When one man foolishly attempts to steal a lick of sugar during the night, he upsets all of the metal utensils, pots and pans. The resounding clatter frightens the entire herd, causing a stampede. Several hundred cattle run off, and another man is trampled to death. Tom confronts the culprit and prepares to whip him in front of the others as punishment. But Matt defies him, refusing to let him carry out his threat.

Later, three men leave in the middle of the night, taking some provisions with them. When they’re rounded up, Tom calls them thieves as well as deserters, and announces that he’s going to hang them. At that point, Matt can no longer go along with Tom’s orders. With help from the men, he takes charge of the drive and tells the men they’re heading to Abilene, and must leave Tom behind.

Before leaving, Matt tells Tom he’ll get his herd to Abilene for him if he can. Tom is so upset he plans to pursue Matt and kill him. His personal ambition has completely blinded him to the needs of others, or even to their support of him.

Sometimes we want something so badly we ignore the things we need most, like friends and family. If we step on the people around us to make it to the top, who do we expect to celebrate our victory with us? And what happens when a change of fortune pulls our well-earned dreams out from under us? Who will help us back to our feet?

Certainly not the people that we kicked down on our way to realizing our dreams.

Sometimes we need to set our own ambitions aside, in order to accommodate the needs of others. If we take time to listen to those around us, they’ll be ready to help us achieve our goals. Like Matt, our loved ones can be our greatest supporters, if we’ll only hear their heart.

Don’t let your personal ambitions drive away your loved ones. Give them room to share your dream, and you’re far more likely to succeed. More important, whether you reach your goal or suffer loss, you’ll still have someone there to hold you up.

Find more reviews of “Red River” at amazon.com!

by Randall Allen Dunn

After the girls’ shocking actions were discovered, they were told that their services would no longer be needed. The babysitters had not known that the parents had set up a hidden videocamera in the house to monitor their activities. Had they known, they would surely have behaved more responsibly.

But what many people don’t realize is that someone is always watching.

In the movie, “Flywheel”, used car salesman Jay Austin (Alex Kendrick) finds himself under a lot of pressure. Not from his job, in which he is highly successful, but from his wife, Judy (Janet Lee Dapper), who nags him with questions about how he is achieving such success. She wants to make sure he is setting a good example for his son, Todd (Richie Hunnewell), whom she wants him to spend more time with.

Jay doesn’t see the problem. He doesn’t even see the elaborate racecar drawing that his son Todd made for him. In fact, in the busy-ness of his day, Jay tosses the picture in the trash with barely a glance. Todd returns later to find his drawing crumpled up in the trash can beside Jay’s desk. Jay, meanwhile, has no idea that he has just crushed his son’s spirit, and simply instructs Todd, “Tell your momma I’ll be home at five.”

The reality is that Jay doesn’t want Judy to know how he makes his money, by using slick maneuvers to trick customers into buying less-than-quality cars. He feels it should be enough for her and Todd that he provides a roof over their heads. But Judy wants something more secure for their family: honesty. As difficult as it is, Jay manages to dodge his wife’s probing and irritating questions, often by leaving the dinner table to bury himself in his work.

Later, Jay’s church pastor, Rev. Dan Michaels (Steve Moore) visits the lot to buy a car for his daughter. Jay wears his usual smile and performs the same routine that he works on every customer, overcharging him for a car that needs considerable work. Even his employees are amazed – and impressed – that Jay would be unscrupulous enough to cheat his own pastor.

But then Rev. Michaels offers to pray for Jay, right there on the used car lot. With a hand on Jay’s shoulder, he asks God to bless Jay, and to reward him for his hard work … and his honest dealings. Jay manages to wave good-bye to the pastor, with his conscience still somewhat intact.

But he soon realizes that the problems and pressures he’s facing in life are of his own making. His lying and manipulation have left him feeling dead inside, and the price tag for his success suddenly has become too high. He needs a release from his own scheming.

He makes a fresh commitment to God to start dealing honestly with customers, charging them what is fair and right. When he announces his new business plans to his employees, they’re shocked and offended at the reverse strategy, since it also means they’ll earn less commission.

His two best salesmen walk off the lot without looking back.

Making matters harder, Jay soon concludes that God is telling him to pay back all the people he cheated, returning the overcharge amounts to all of his past customers.

Which means tossing away even more money.

Jay soon finds his business crumbling, and he is all-too-eager to hire a young recruit, Kevin Cantrell (Daniel Titus). Kevin needs some car sales experience, even though he can only work for a few weeks. Little does Jay know that his new employee is actually an undercover reporter with a hidden mini-camera on his tie, who goes through Jay’s files when he has time alone in the office.

With sales plummeting, Jay is prepared to lose his business for good, when he sees an evening news report on local used car dealers, and the corruption that an undercover reporter has exposed. He is stunned to see his own face on television, telling his “employee” that he wants to treat customers fairly, even if it costs him some business. The undercover reporter even checked Jay’s sales sheets for previous cars against their actual retail values, confirming that Jay followed through on his commitment to honest sales. Jay had no idea that Kevin was actually an investigative reporter checking up on him.

That won’t happen to most of us. What happens more often is that someone spots us doing something we shouldn’t, when we think they’re not watching. It might be a child, a customer, or a stranger. But no matter how hard we try to dodge even our closest family members, someone will see us, sooner or later. Every day, whatever you do, someone somewhere is watching, and your true character is being revealed.

So … now that you know, how will you manage your affairs?

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